The Write Humor

Cats come in various shapes, sizes, and a nice array of colors. Some cats are the outdoors type, wild and free basking in the sun on a warm day, not confined to four walls. Some are semi indoors cats, just as happy inside as outside. Then you have the last type, the ones who think they are royalty. And these cats think they are royalty for good reason. They have a staff of humans that wait on them hand and foot, catering to their every whim.

So how do you know if your cat is royalty? There are signs that your cat has a staff of humans, and that your cat is indeed descended from a long line of spoiled cats considering themselves royal cats, and above having their precious feet set upon those things we call grass and soil.

First of all, it’s important to note that one royal cat can come from a litter of regular cats, or all cats in a litter can be royal cats or just regular cats. The royal cat or cats can begin to stand out from their siblings beginning as early as about the age of four weeks, although it’s possible the royal bloodline won’t show up until the age of six months to a year of age.

The first major sign that your cat is a royal cat and that you are indeed the staff of this cat is when you attempt to put the cat outside. A regular cat will just walk out the door. But a royal cat won’t walk out the door. When you reach down and scoop the cat up to put the cat out the door manually, the cat will suddenly freak out and spread all four feet and legs out in the widest possible manner and attempt to grab onto the sides of the doorway to prevent you from placing him or her outside of the home. This is a natural defensive move that cats with a royal bloodline will do to save their feet from touching the outdoors in any manner.

If you are lucky enough to succeed in getting the royal cat outside, and are able to close the door, you will immediately see the royal cat trying not to touch the grass or soil with their feet, and try to get back into the house. They might be climbing the door or onto a window, attempting to hang from a window, and just anything to get back into their palace.

Once they have managed to get back inside, it’s very possible that they will be very irate with you, their staff, and let their displeasure be known by forgetting where their litter box is located at. The fact that you, the staff, will not have the cat clean up what they messed up shows the royal cat that you are indeed the staff and that they are truly royalty. Because you cleaned up the mess they made, they assume that you putting them outdoors was a case of mistaken identity on your part, thinking they were just a regular cat. They then begin to expect even more royal treatment from their staff. And true to form, the staff will cater to the royal cat even more.

The royal cat has learned that they can get almost any food they wish from their staff. The royal cat simply turned his or her nose up to whatever food is served to them, refusing to partake of the dish. The owner, also known as the staff, begins to worry that the poor royal cat is malnourished from lack of eating, and prepares special meals for the royal kitty. The royal kitty has quickly determined that by turning its nose up to the plain cat food that the staff will prepare much more delicious snacks just for the royal one.

When a cat owner gives a cat its own room complete with furnishings, it’s far too obvious that this is no regular cat nor is the cat owner just a cat owner. The cat is indeed royalty, complete with a staff of humans. The staff has prepared a nice room for the royal kitty, adorning the room with furnishings fit for a king, and sure to make any regular cat jealous. Not only does a royal cat have cat towers, the royal one has his or her own bed, complete with matching linens. More so, the royal cat has his or her own personal and private bathroom to contain the litter box, with a privacy wall.

Cat owners that take trips leave their cats with friends or at a boarding kennel until the owners return from their trip. The staff of a royal cat will never leave their precious royal one in such a manner. The staff makes accommodations for the royal kitty to travel, and the staff even goes with the royal kitty to wait upon him or her while traveling. A royal kitty is never left behind.

Royal cats are a special and unique breed of cats. Their staff is the same, unique and special in that they cater to the royal ones and see to their every need and want. The staff for the royal cats enjoy catering to the royalty and their enthusiasm shows in the way they take care of their special furry charges.

Having a flower garden that looks like everyone else’s doesn’t take away from the beauty of the flowers or the garden.But why have a garden that mimics what the rest of the world has when you can have your very own redneck flower garden?

A redneck flower garden is special and unique in that no two designs are ever actually the same. One might even go so far as to say that a redneck flower garden is breathtaking, because when a born and bred city person happens upon one by pure chance, it takes their breath away.

Country folks have utilized the redneck flower garden strategy for decades, never knowing that the garden style even had a name. This unique gardening style no doubt evolved from the fact that in decades past people made do with what they had. They recycled things, finding a use for just about anything that was reusable, knowing that in doing so they saved money.

Just what does a redneck flower garden look like? The flowers are the same that one might find in any flower garden such as roses, tulips, daffodils, carnations, daisies, orchids, etc. These might be found in flower beds on the ground using empty beer cans as the edging, but one is just as likely to see them planted in old toilets, tires, refrigerators with the doors removed, bathtubs, an old water heater cut open, old tire rims, or foot tubs.

Creative folks might add various decorative touches to their flower gardens. One decorative touch includes painting designs on the tires or painting them all white. Old tire rims might also be painted in various designer neon colors, lighting the flower garden like a beacon in the night. The upscale redneck gardener night have old lawnmower handles for their running flowers to climb on.

There will always be those that are up for the ultimate adventure in redneck gardening. These adventuring types are the ones that want to take redneck gardening to the extreme level because of their love of nature. These are the ones that will take that old remains of a car and cut the top off and use the entire remains of the car to make a huge flower garden container. This is known as redneck container gardening. Most will admit the car they used is one they found when they mowed their grass.

Redneck flower gardening is indeed breathtaking. There is nothing quite like being different, having a beautiful garden, and causing those from the city to have their mouths dropped open in pure awe of the beauty that surrounds them when they happen upon a redneck flower garden.

It started out innocently enough. Some humans started petting Betsy the Cow and before long they stopped grilling her up for burgers. The idea of grilling Betsy for supper became unheard of among this new breed of humans. They even gave themselves a name.. Vegetarian.

Vegetarians sprung up across the country. Soon they were everywhere, even next door potentially. As time moved along, they soon were not hiding any longer, but would proudly tell the world they were of the Vegetarian persuasion.

You could spot one at a grocery store simply by looking into their shopping cart. Their carts showed no sign of Betsy the Cow or any of her friends such as Oinky the Pig. The carts would be loaded with all sorts of greenery items, from fresh green plants to frozen veggies to seeds to make new green plant babies, all meant to be consumed as food by the Vegetarian.

The biggest tragedy of this scenario is that this buying, growing, and eating of plant life was brushed over by the entire country. Until now, few have stood up and said NO MORE to this horrible taking of plant life. Here is what really happens when a Vegetarian goes to prepare a meal of plants meant for their consumption. WARNING: THIS IS GRAPHIC and may not be suitable for anyone to read.

The Vegetarian sneaks up unsuspectingly on the innocent Little Green Plant. It stands to reason that the Vegetarian does this to keep from frightening the Little Green Plant. Otherwise, the Little Green Plant would be scared and wilt away immediately. So to keep this from happening, the Vegetarian will talk sweet and lovingly to the unsuspecting Little Green Plant, so that it will remain robust and full of life and color, having no idea that the Vegetarian is preparing it for its death by lethal cooking.

When the Vegetarian deems that the Little Green Plant is fit for a meal, the Vegetarian goes to the Little Green Plant and eyes it with hungry eyes. The Little Green Plant, having been accustomed to the Vegetarian being nice to it, has no reason to be alarmed and allowed the Vegetarian to pick it up. At this point, the Vegetarian puts the Little Green Plant into a pan or pot on the stove and turns on the burner. As the Little Green Plant looks up at the Vegetarian, it wonders why is the Vegetarian doing this to it. It has no way to escape the pot and begins to scream as the Vegetarian looks on in anticipation of a meal.

The death of the Little Green Plant is overlooked, as the Vegetarian dines on its poor little self. No one came to rescue the Little Green Plant. No one stood up and said NO MORE to the death of Little Green Plants. When does it end!
The inhumane treatment of plant life in this country must stop. The idea of torturing a poor plant, all for the enjoyment of eating, is beyond inhumane. Meat lovers of the world must unite to save the offspring of the Little Green Plant.

The time has come for Betsy to be flipped on the grill. Grab the buns, the cheese, the lettuce, the spinach, the bananas…dinner is ready.